[ Doubt is such a foreign feeling to Shigaraki Tomura. The last time he felt doubt was when he was five, when he wasn't sure if killing two thugs who had beaten him near senseless was the right move to make. But ever since then, he's received nothing but affirmation. Anything you want can be yours, anything you want to take is yours to grasp. Nothing can stop you but yourself.
Growing up hearing that in the isolation sure did make him a brat. Still, he never doubted in the throws of his immaturity even if he whined. He's not sure he remembers what that feels like, but this memory that he wants to reach out and touch, reach out to destroy because this is how he expresses himself, almost makes him feel like he should remember.
He puts his half of the melon down, not even remembering what it tasted like. Food, like so many things, is inconsequential to him. Very little things matter; it's a large part of what makes him who he is. But, some people do.
He leans forward not to grab Ibuki's hand, but to place a hand against his chest. ]
[ It's not like he hasn't thought about what happened in that room, like a video on repeat. Gouged at it to figure out everything that led him to do what he did that day.
He's a little surprised at how disconnected that memory feels. What it focuses on. Didn't he remember more of the words screamed in that room as more and more became Vectors? It wasn't all researchers who came in after that man, right? But it's not like the memory is incorrect. The facts are all there.
In a way, it feels like he glossed over what happened, painting it over and over with what he thinks he felt in those moments. That doesn't make that memory any less real, but the emotional discrepancy gives him pause. Even with what he has and knows now, part of him wants to gouge at it again by habit.
But when a hand touches his chest, he looks up, shocked out of his reverie. He didn't realize he was looking down, staring at his own hands. Just his hands, the melon having being set down somewhere nearby. When did he put it down? Who knows?
Slowly, he places his own hand over Shigaraki's. Something about the motion anchors him back down. Gives him something else to focus on, calms him down. Shigaraki's presence always seems to do that for him nowadays.
The urge to pick it all apart remains, but it slowly recedes to the background as his mind finally settles back into the moment.
He's no longer that runaway child. ]
The answer you gave me made it so much easier to breathe. I don't think I realized just how much it weighed me down.
[ And how much his doubt was affecting him and the ones he cares about. The thought makes his fingers curl a bit. ]
Sometimes I still feel like there's something there, but it doesn't feel like it's burying me.
[ Like a sort of phantom pain. For all of his joy at finally feeling at peace with himself, the time he has spent puzzling over this riddle existed. But now he thinks he can embrace that pain. Acknowledge how important the journey was to him. Move on.
He doesn't have the words for how grateful he feels that someone like him could reach this point. ]
I've told you, yeah? No one can make you do anything you don't wanna do anymore. [ This is very ironic coming from him given their situation, but he truly believes that. There's no possession or mind control, the decision to murder is entirely a choice even if it might not feel like one to those pushed into it. The decision to resist, like Merlin did, is also a choice. ]
And you can go back and destroy everything that's still left, 'til you're truly free. [ His own fingers curl slightly in response, an answer for that call. ]
[ Irony is right. But Ibuki has long since made his decision to offer Shigaraki his hand to see this through. As a result, he killed Skywarp out of his own free will. Sure, people could say he was motivated by others (he certainly wanted to avoid a Toucan dying), but in the end, it was ultimately his choice to deal the final blow.
At the same time, it was also his choice to carry Skywarp onto a stage decorated in a way he thought he'd enjoy. All of those actions, even if it sounds contradictory, is part and parcel of what makes him himself. That's just how he is, and he accepts that now. He wonders if anyone else here realizes that. Not that the answer to that really matters.
In the end... ]
Yeah, my choices are up to me. And the me right now has no reason to hold back on destroying that colony and everything they stand for.
[ It's just a matter of finding his way back now. But for now, he continues to focus on the touch, wanting to commit this moment to memory. ]
Looks like I'll have to put as much effort as I can in those pics then. [ The idea makes him laugh. He really should practice his photography skills for this. ] But that's fine—it'd be a fun bonus to chase.
[ He says it like that, but it's quickly feeling less of a bonus than a straight-up requirement. ]
[ He has no idea what he's saying, let alone what he could be offering, but he says it anyway because head empty and there's both awareness and zero awareness at their (still) current positioning. ]
[ They're just doing what they want and that's perfectly fine. Ibuki's certainly not moving from where he is for now, settling back more and more into the present. ]
That they do. You'll be harder to impress than those passengers, but that just makes it more fun.
Think I'd rather lay down rather than jump up and down too.
[ Since he's the one leaning over, this position isn't comfortable for too long so please hold as he shifts; it's a good thing he's so decently tall given the space between the game seats, as he just lets his head fall down onto Ibuki's lap.
[ Ibuki's perfectly fine with this, mood improving by the moment, but he's also not the one lying across game seats. ]
Nah, I'm pretty comfy. But there are other seats around if you wanted to lie down like this?
[ With a hum, he starts poking a little more, keeping an eye on his reaction. Slowly the gesture becomes something more like combing fingers through hair. ]
[ Ibuki's eyes grow softer at the sight, nodding even though Shigaraki has already closed his own. ]
Okay.
[ And that's all he has to say before continuing running his fingers through his hair.
Perhaps he should think more on what he just experienced, but right now, he's...weirdly fine. Kind of unusual for him, but that's the simplest way to put it when he's around Shigaraki. His negative thoughts from earlier are reined in by his current peace of mind, telling him to enjoy being able to rest like this. Or maybe he's just sleepy after overthinking things, thoughts in overdrive during the shared memories.
Either way, his fingers repeat the motions, even as his eyelids grow heavier. ]
[ Only bad posture, but he's slept in far worse places. The fingers in his hair feel strangely good, so he's not fighting the lull in his mind and body.
The past can't hurt them anymore, so all that's left to do is enjoy the present. ]
[ He manages to say that much before his mind eventually drifts away, fingers slowing to a stop. Part of him knows he shouldn't fall asleep like this. But he can't bring himself to mind, relaxed enough to doze in place even with Shigaraki's head on his lap.
May neither of them dream of the past. Something like those words float through his mind before his consciousness cuts off, lulled to sleep. ]
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no subject
Growing up hearing that in the isolation sure did make him a brat. Still, he never doubted in the throws of his immaturity even if he whined. He's not sure he remembers what that feels like, but this memory that he wants to reach out and touch, reach out to destroy because this is how he expresses himself, almost makes him feel like he should remember.
He puts his half of the melon down, not even remembering what it tasted like. Food, like so many things, is inconsequential to him. Very little things matter; it's a large part of what makes him who he is. But, some people do.
He leans forward not to grab Ibuki's hand, but to place a hand against his chest. ]
...that weight. Is it still there?
no subject
He's a little surprised at how disconnected that memory feels. What it focuses on. Didn't he remember more of the words screamed in that room as more and more became Vectors? It wasn't all researchers who came in after that man, right? But it's not like the memory is incorrect. The facts are all there.
In a way, it feels like he glossed over what happened, painting it over and over with what he thinks he felt in those moments. That doesn't make that memory any less real, but the emotional discrepancy gives him pause. Even with what he has and knows now, part of him wants to gouge at it again by habit.
But when a hand touches his chest, he looks up, shocked out of his reverie. He didn't realize he was looking down, staring at his own hands. Just his hands, the melon having being set down somewhere nearby. When did he put it down? Who knows?
Slowly, he places his own hand over Shigaraki's. Something about the motion anchors him back down. Gives him something else to focus on, calms him down. Shigaraki's presence always seems to do that for him nowadays.
The urge to pick it all apart remains, but it slowly recedes to the background as his mind finally settles back into the moment.
He's no longer that runaway child. ]
The answer you gave me made it so much easier to breathe. I don't think I realized just how much it weighed me down.
[ And how much his doubt was affecting him and the ones he cares about. The thought makes his fingers curl a bit. ]
Sometimes I still feel like there's something there, but it doesn't feel like it's burying me.
[ Like a sort of phantom pain. For all of his joy at finally feeling at peace with himself, the time he has spent puzzling over this riddle existed. But now he thinks he can embrace that pain. Acknowledge how important the journey was to him. Move on.
He doesn't have the words for how grateful he feels that someone like him could reach this point. ]
no subject
I've told you, yeah? No one can make you do anything you don't wanna do anymore. [ This is very ironic coming from him given their situation, but he truly believes that. There's no possession or mind control, the decision to murder is entirely a choice even if it might not feel like one to those pushed into it. The decision to resist, like Merlin did, is also a choice. ]
And you can go back and destroy everything that's still left, 'til you're truly free. [ His own fingers curl slightly in response, an answer for that call. ]
no subject
At the same time, it was also his choice to carry Skywarp onto a stage decorated in a way he thought he'd enjoy. All of those actions, even if it sounds contradictory, is part and parcel of what makes him himself. That's just how he is, and he accepts that now. He wonders if anyone else here realizes that. Not that the answer to that really matters.
In the end... ]
Yeah, my choices are up to me. And the me right now has no reason to hold back on destroying that colony and everything they stand for.
[ It's just a matter of finding his way back now. But for now, he continues to focus on the touch, wanting to commit this moment to memory. ]
no subject
I'm sure it'll look really sweet too. You should ask someone to take a picture when you do it.
no subject
I'll be sure to keep a camera or three handy before I start.
no subject
[ Is that a joke??? ]
no subject
[ He thinks so??? ]
no ones reading this anymore right? yes, good
i'll know someone is when kao suddenly messages me
[ He says it like that, but it's quickly feeling less of a bonus than a straight-up requirement. ]
no subject
[ He has no idea what he's saying, let alone what he could be offering, but he says it anyway because head empty and there's both awareness and zero awareness at their (still) current positioning. ]
no subject
That they do. You'll be harder to impress than those passengers, but that just makes it more fun.
no subject
[ Since he's the one leaning over, this position isn't comfortable for too long so please hold as he shifts; it's a good thing he's so decently tall given the space between the game seats, as he just lets his head fall down onto Ibuki's lap.
Hello. ]
no subject
Haha, isn't that uncomfortable?
[ Even if he's tall enough, that probably isn't cozy? But he's quickly distracted with another thought. With a grin, he lightly pokes his hair. ]
no subject
[ Shigaraki doesn't seem to mind, his eyes tracking the movement. His hair is as soft as it is floofy. ]
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Nah, I'm pretty comfy. But there are other seats around if you wanted to lie down like this?
[ With a hum, he starts poking a little more, keeping an eye on his reaction. Slowly the gesture becomes something more like combing fingers through hair. ]
no subject
[ He closes his eyes at that, growing more relaxed. ]
no subject
Okay.
[ And that's all he has to say before continuing running his fingers through his hair.
Perhaps he should think more on what he just experienced, but right now, he's...weirdly fine. Kind of unusual for him, but that's the simplest way to put it when he's around Shigaraki. His negative thoughts from earlier are reined in by his current peace of mind, telling him to enjoy being able to rest like this. Or maybe he's just sleepy after overthinking things, thoughts in overdrive during the shared memories.
Either way, his fingers repeat the motions, even as his eyelids grow heavier. ]
no subject
[ Only bad posture, but he's slept in far worse places. The fingers in his hair feel strangely good, so he's not fighting the lull in his mind and body.
The past can't hurt them anymore, so all that's left to do is enjoy the present. ]
no subject
[ He manages to say that much before his mind eventually drifts away, fingers slowing to a stop. Part of him knows he shouldn't fall asleep like this. But he can't bring himself to mind, relaxed enough to doze in place even with Shigaraki's head on his lap.
May neither of them dream of the past. Something like those words float through his mind before his consciousness cuts off, lulled to sleep. ]