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killerwaves) wrote2023-06-25 01:18 am
killerwaves) wrote2023-06-25 01:18 am
TLCR
2. Comment to others
3. get your cr deets!!!
2. Comment to others
3. get your cr deets!!!
2. Comment to others
3. get your cr deets!!!
2. Comment to others
3. get your cr deets!!!
no subject
walks into the ocean
So as you know I was mostly canonblind, and my main impression going in was from his permissions page. I actually expected this to be fairly light CR because she would have put a little more distance very quickly if he started flirting (like she initially did with Wang Lu). And then he made a very positive impression right from the start?! At first she was intrigued because his powers sounded a little creepy, and she was drawn to other people who might be thought of as "monstrous" because of what they could do. Then he compounded that by showing off his responsible side with the people he had to protect, and earned extra points by being upfront that he thought people were going to be willing to kill. She liked that he was straightforward and didn't treat her like she was stupid or fragile, and she started projecting Medea onto him pretty quickly. "The deaths I have caused simply lay in my past. I've never killed unnecessarily or without good reason, so it doesn't weigh on my mind." is something that resonated with her deeply. The Medea similarity, the strength of his convictions, and the fact that he was so direct and unapologetic about it was the tipping point for her deciding that she trusted him and wanted to know more about him. Partially from the projecting, but also from the hints of his past that he let drop, she assumed that (like Medea) he was someone who'd become strong through suffering and still wanted to protect the people weaker than him. She enjoyed the playful side of his personality — and because her friends back home are so serious, she was happy to have someone she could be silly with — but she really wanted to know more about the serious side of him and what he believed in.
Basically the entire PC post Merlin’s death was really pivotal to her view of him and their relationship. She was comforted to see someone else upset about the situation, and it left her with the impression that Wei Wuxian was someone who cared about others readily and who wanted to be able to take action against things he saw as wrong. (And being able to comfort someone else also calmed Psyche down considerably, which was a huge affinity boost for her!) This was probably the early stages of her crush setting in, although she was really not thinking of that at the time. It’s definitely what made her tell Medea that she thought he was trustworthy. Her choosing to reveal Medea to him after the first trial basically cemented that trust; as far as she could tell he never told anyone, and he never even showed any doubt towards her about any of the subsequent cases. All of that came together into her feeling incredibly safe with him and letting her guard down completely, which is also when she begins opening up more genuinely and being more playful with people in general. There was never a point in LR where she really worried about her own physical safety (unfortunately?!), but feeling cared for and supported was actually a much bigger deal to her. It was also really important to her that he never tried to restrict her! That he seemed to trust her judgment and didn't argue about her doing things like stopping her own heart made her feel like she didn't need to hide things from him, and drew a lot of contrasting comparisons in her mind to Eros' overall controlling and condescending behavior. She always felt confident that Wei Wuxian saw her as her own person and an equal.
“This is going to be slowburn, probably.” –two clowns (wk 2 ~ wk 3 spa orgy, RIP)
At that point the die was prettymuch cast. She was down bad and trying to ignore it when the spa curfew happened. Wei Wuxian being vulnerable there + the stupidly emotionally charged spin the bottle kiss doomed her; she realized she was crushing basically the moment she felt a little jealous about him kissing Waltaquin, and by the time Wang Lu was nudging her about her feelings, was already in full polite emotional retreat. She was actually planning to talk things over with Wang Lu because she trusted his pespective but then COUGHS COUGHS things promptly escalated and sent her into a midkey panic, because she really wasn't prepared to get into a relationship again and also had a lot of reservations about how able or willing she was to love romantically after everything that happened with Eros. She was genuinely trying to figure out if she could still extricate herself and just hook up WWX and Wang Lu instead (if it was more casual on WWX's side), but then he came right out with his feelings and she couldn't really lie to him in return. She still doesn't know how to talk about the Eros situation very directly, but she did think she conveyed her doubts about her own role in a romantic relationship here. Bringing in Wang Lu actually made her feel safer that even if she couldn't love them properly, they could take care of each other. (And on some level, WWX clowning himself into a threesome with gay chicken and Psyche clowning herself into a threesome by going "I know! I can keep a safer emotional distance by involving more people I love" kind of deserve each other. I am very sorry to Wang Lu for their everything but at least he's doubly adored.)
And then WWX got his dumb ass poisoned and it was ride or die from there THANKS BILLY FOR THE DOUBLE ROMANCE ASSIST.
It's so personally funny to me that the throuple's first quality time was the h/c post-poisoning, but also, it worked really well for them?? It reinforced for Psyche the way all three of them try to conceal problems from others in similar ways (Wang Lu's humor, WWX's flippancy, Psyche's smiling deflections) and made her more determined to keep a closer eye on both of them and to try to be more forward with her own problems (a work in progress but hey). This also pulls her out of the idea that she's just standing in until the two of them are settled for themselves, and really makes concrete for her that all three of them are a team that need each other. The poisoning itself hit a weirdly specific trauma (cw blood and gross) for Psyche about the last time she was unable to help people with her healing, which... actually led directly to the PC later that week, where it was WWX that got her thinking again about who she would want to be without her powers. Psyche in canon is still looking for her answer about what kind of future she wants, and this was her first step towards her having an answer for that, which culminated both in her deciding to leave with the two of them and in being willing to give up her powers. She deeply respected the way WWX managed to build himself back up once at the Burial Mounds, and that gave her the confidence to picture what form that would take for her. Even if with the memshares the next week she also promptly saw the negative sides of that...
Week 5 and 6 both being "Psyche Comprehends the Horrors" was so funny but uh. LMAO. Seeing him at his absolute worst* via memshare was unexpectedly a pretty necessary step for their relationship for her. (*if there's worse than this in MDZS that is just going to be a fun surprise later KFDSJFKLS) Her view of him in LR was probably a little rose-tinted, something she knows she's prone to, and which really came back to bite her with Eros before. Despite that, all of her concerns about their relationship were about her own emotional damage, and never because she distrusted him. Learning that he has the capacity to be incredibly cruel in the right circumstances actually... was a relief! It was obviously terrible for her to see, but it really left her no more room for uncertainty or questioning her own judgment, because she finally felt she knew him in his entirety. It might have been more gruesome than anything she's seen firsthand, but it wasn't really any more vicious than what Medea or Helio is capable of, and she has the ability to accept that kind of violence arising from deep rage much more than she can violence from indifference. She came away from that conversation reassured that he's moving away from being the sort of person who would do that (basically an arc she's already had practice accepting with Medea) and also secure that he can accept her coming into conflict with him over it. It set the groundwork for the idea that they can have a relationship where their ideals clash (possibly intensely) and they can still care about and respect each other. And, most of all, she felt like he was finally letting her see how much damage he does to himself with his self-sacrificing streak and letting her comfort him. Her takeaway from all of it was really feeling like they were equals in the relationship and an even more intense desire to protect him, potentially by fighting him to keep him from doing this kind of thing to himself if it came to that.
That they were in a really solid place was definitely a godsend for all of Week 6's everything. She did withdraw a tiny bit post-Billy because she was still trying to make sense of her feelings, plus worrying about being able to keep Waltaquin's secret otherwise. (FTR she did trust him enough to tell him! But she also didn't want to pass the burden, and she was afraid of letting her resolve slip.) She also wanted the space to process her thoughts on what she would do in the best-case scenario that they won and could leave, in light of knowing that WWX and Wang Lu would be fine together. There was definitely some backsliding back towards some of her worse habits here (please WL teach them what depression is so the Ye Olde Fantasy characters have context) BUT with Medea's help and a boost from just being really, really mad at so many things, she did finally decide that she wanted to believe in the future and she'd let herself seek happiness with them. WWX making the same choice definitely helped here, since she can see the self-sacrificing streak in context in him and course correct in herself. If he's trying to be better, then she has to, too! At the point that she gave him the sword charm and told him she'd go back with the two of them, she was still ICly deathflagging a little. She figured there was a very high probability of her dying vs the administrators (because she intended to keep fighting alone if the others could be sent back) or when Waltaquin killing Nona came out.
But none of that happening and then all of them simply running out of time to drag things out forced her hand (positive) and, somewhat despite her expectations, she and everyone survived the final confrontation. Her own feelings about the outcome are still decidedly mixed — she definitely feels some pushback at WWX saying "we got the results we wanted," knowing that her own goals were slightly out of sync — but after a little more time to unravel what she's feeling, she'll be inclined to agree. She's a little troubled by WWX having to give up his powers again even though she knows the context behind it, but she also has optimism that the three of them are going to get the good end outcome they dreamed of (and which she! frankly!! feels they earned!!!). And she knows WWX is in the same position as her, where they're powerless to help the people they've left behind right now and they just have to swallow that and keep on moving. He really helped her complete the arc that she was working on in canon, from a head-first self-destructive rush to fight a situation even if it was futile to... actually accepting that sometimes you lose things and you have to get back up and keep going without tearing yourself to pieces over it. His resilience is one of the things she admires most about him, and it's one of the things she wants to share going forward, even as she's working on protecting him a little more so he doesn't need to use it. She doesn't think he'll ever be able to go back to being as carefree as he described himself being as a kid, but she wants to be part of making him happier and seeing what form that takes for him in the future. The fact that they're both still growing is absolutely their happily-ever-after, to her.